Choking Your Dream

I have a tendency to jump into things.  With both feet.

I've rarely had issue taking the leap.

But sometimes I can dive head first into something new -- give it all my time, energy, and attention -- and lose the passion.  Lose the interest.

I choke it out.

I never thought that would happen with writing, but it did.

When I had a stable, full-time job that paid the bills, and I worked on my first novel on the side, all I wanted to do was write.

So I took the leap (it's what I'm good at), quit my job, and became a full-time writer.

Well, the pressure got to me.

It took a while -- thanks to my money-saving nature and ability to live off of the money I had.

But recently I've been feeling very stressed.

I see my savings running low.  I feel the pressure to bring in a greater income than I have thus far with my writing.

Nothing chokes a passion like pressure to make money at it.

I've been wondering lately if I'm not better suited working the traditional job, so I don't have to worry about an income, and writing what's in my heart during my free time.

I noticed when I made writing my business, it gradually changed from being something I loved to do, and enjoyed doing just for the sheer pleasure of it... to something I felt I had to do.

I no longer woke up excited to start the day.  In fact, lately I didn't really want to get out of bed.

Why would I?  I had nothing to look forward to.  Nothing to do.

I like feeling productive.  I like feeling like what I'm doing makes a difference and is needed.

I wasn't feeling like that with writing.  I hadn't reached a point of having a full list of clients who needed my services.  Had I reached that point, I may be feeling differently about now.

But it is what it is.

For days I didn't feel like writing.  At all.  Anything.

I had choked out my passion.

Then I decided to look for traditional employment again.  And a funny thing happened.  I felt excited again.  Happy.  Energized.

Yes, I've still had "down" times of not knowing how it's going to pan out.

But at this time, I'm seeking a full-time job and intend on returning to my writing "roots."

Fiction stories.  Perhaps non-fiction ebooks.  Maybe articles here and there.  Blog posts.

But seeking out clients, contacting them, trying to convince them they need me, and to pay me?  Nah.

I learned through experience (which is truly the best and only teacher) that that is not for me.

Can I, will I, still "make it" as a writer?  Time will tell.

All I know is I'm excited to make a change.  Excited to get into a job that I enjoy, where I can feel productive and excel at (and bring in a healthy, regular paycheck), and write what I want to write... not what I feel I have to write, or write the only things people ask me to write.

There are many ways to be a writer.  I'm shifting my focus.  And it feels good.